A Super Spread: The Highlight Reel

We come back from the first commercial break and the announcer shyly admits that she missed two of the players on tonight’s lineup: the Sassy Turkey Bites and the Sassy Chicken Bites. She will be forced to endure the good-natured ribbing from her colleagues for the remainder of the game.

1st quarter, 3rd and 15: The coach is reducing the beef consommé and beef juices in a saucier on the stovetop when her assistant coach, Mr. P, asks her to peel an onion so he can make his cheese ball. While I am peeling, my husband points out that the liquid in the pan is bubbling over onto the stovetop. I instruct Mr. P to pick the pan up and get it off the heat. Seeing that he is hesitant to do so, I rush over to remove the pan from the heat. The referee calls: Illegal motion on the play; 5 yard penalty.

2nd quarter, 2nd and 5: The coach is preparing the Sassy bites and asks for her star player to go in to the game to take care of the chicken bites.
Kelley: why do I have to help?
Me: because this party is for you and Justien too, and she’s allergic to turkey.
Kelley: I didn’t ask you to make all these appetizers.
Me: well, I could do what other people do and make a pot of chili.
Kelley: Ugh, I hate chili.
Me: then get to work.
The call on the play is face mask; 10 yard penalty.

3rd quarter, 1 and 10: The food is ready and the players and assistant coach are ready to help themselves when. *Whistle* Mr. P is caught trying to use the tongs for the Sassy Chicken Bites for the Sassy Turkey Bites (remember, one person here is allergic to chicken, the other is allergic to turkey). He gets a chorus of "Don't cross-contaminate the food!" for his trouble. The call: Unsportsmanlike conduct; 15 yards.

The 2 minute warning: While the assistant coach and the players are engrossed in the game, the coach, after having ensured that the cold food stayed cold and the hot food stayed hot, begins to clean up and put things away. Dishes are cleaned by hand, the dishwasher is full and ready to be run at a later time, and the kitchen faucet has been cleaned of debris so the water once again flows nicely. And how else did the coach pass the time? She surfed the internet, watched Wedding Cake Challenges on Food Network. She turned the channel to HGTV when the challenge with the annoying bride came on, she read a chapter of Anthony Bourdain’s A Cook’s Tour. Then, after all was put away and cleaned up, she went to bed before the final play. After all, the coach had taught her assistant and her players well. She knew they would do their jobs and win the game.